Journals83
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Been a while...
2 min read
Damn. It's been...quite a few years since I was on here last. I got a notification out of the blue on my Synlet stuff and I had forgotten most of what I wrote and posted on here so long ago.
Of course my first instinct is to shudder and cringe reading my old writing. And as much as I want to delete it all and use The Force to go "there was nothing ever here, you never saw anything". It was a good reminder to see just how far I've come as a writer. I think the last fandoms I was in when I was on here was Scorpion and Prince and Persia and NCIS. And I've been in way too many fandoms since then and now I'm writing mostly original works with fanfic now on the side.
Good news- I went back to school and finally got my massage license. So now I'm officially an LMT and then The Plague hit and I've clung to writing like I always have to get me through that and all kinds of other personal and family drama. I actually rewrote one of my favorite Synlet fanfics on AO3, Why So Jaded? Because on FFN- Say It- is always popular because it's a quick, dirty, angsty smut piece. And I wanted to give one of my favorite OTP's another shot but with better writing skills. So now I think I should probably update that story here too. I'll leave the old one up so you guys can see the- hopefully- marked difference.
Stay safe, stay healthy, see you soon.
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Update
5 min read
Dear lord it's been a year.
Gosh, a lot has happened.
So let's just briefly go over what's gone on in the last year. Last September I was diagnosed with Epilepsy. Last November I was diagnosed with Fibromialgia. both of these came on top of my MS and Crohn's Disease diagnoses. I was one sick chick. And from September to January of last year, I was so bad, I was in a wheelchair. I couldn't walk, I couldn't care for myself. My parents dropped everything to move in with me to care for me and my daughter who at the time had just turned three. It was horrible, I lost hope, I lost faith, the constant pain changed my personality from sweet and kind to angry, bitter, resentful and hateful. I tried to commit suicide by overdose many times, and obviously failed, many times. However, in my attempts at escape, I caused myself permanent brain damage, my internal organs were on the verge of failing many times. I had teams of specialists trying to save my life as I tried desperately to end it. It was hell.
And then something changed.
After my second nerve block surgery, after it failed, just like the one before that had failed. My husband, not wanting yet another suicide attempt, took me to a hospital, where for a week, they ran every test they could possibly run. What they found was that I didn't have MS, I had 11 brain lesions, how the hell do I not have MS with that many? Turns out, they were in the wrong spots. I also didn't have Fibromialgia. How the hell do I feel like my body is plugged into an electrical outlet and I'm getting shocks that turn my limbs so tight, I look and feel like a parapalegic. I didn't have Epilepsy. How the hell did I have so many absent seizures? They had to haul me to the ER every. single. time. pump by body with Vallium and anti psychotic meds to get me to come out of them.
What I got rediagnosed with is Conversion Disorder. Never heard of it? Neither had I. Let me repeat something that the diagnosing doctor told me, "It feels like you're all alone in a room, the room is pitch black and suddenly something brushes you, over and over again, until it's not a brush, it's a hit, suddenly you're being attacked, hit from all sides, you KNOW there must be many things that are hurting you, then the hits turn to stabs, bombs and bullets, you're down, you're bleeding, you're on the verge of death. You wonder if these creatures are going to eat you alive or wait until you're dead before they feast. Now, let me do something, I am going to turn on the light. (she makes the gesture of turning on the light fixture). Now you see that you're in a white room. No beasts, no monsters, it's just you, and a mirror. To your horror, you've been doing this to yourself. not on purpose. That's what Conversion Disorder is. It's a mimicker. It mimics other diseases, you have real pain, you have real symptoms but not the actual diseases. Every time you have the slightest bit of stress, and especially anxiety your brain can't deal with it, it can't process it, it's overloaded. So what it does is instead of dealing with it, it turns it, it converts it to physical pain because you still can process that."
That's when the game and rules changed completely.
I still got sent to a psyche ward, I still had to go to a suicide prevention facility.
But here's the cool part.
I finally got the real help I needed.
I see a Psychotherapist, a Psychiatrist, two Psychologists, one is my regular weekly therapist who specializes in PTSD and severe trauma (which I certainly have) and the second presided over Intensive Outpatient Therapy which was three times a week for a total of 12 hours per week. After that I went through a six month course called Dialectic Behavior Therapy which teaches skills such as Emotion Regulation, Anger Management, Mindfulness both to your physical state and emotional state, Distress Tolerance that gets you through crises, and Intrapersonal Effectiveness so that you can communicate clearly what your needs are and how to help people around you to understand what's going on and vice versa. This has all saved my life.
Granted Depression is still a bitch. It's a struggle. But I've learned I can get through it. A lot has happened even since then and things that normally would have put me into a tail spin, spiraling out of control, but with all this, I've managed, which is a miracle in itself.
Gosh, a lot has happened.
So let's just briefly go over what's gone on in the last year. Last September I was diagnosed with Epilepsy. Last November I was diagnosed with Fibromialgia. both of these came on top of my MS and Crohn's Disease diagnoses. I was one sick chick. And from September to January of last year, I was so bad, I was in a wheelchair. I couldn't walk, I couldn't care for myself. My parents dropped everything to move in with me to care for me and my daughter who at the time had just turned three. It was horrible, I lost hope, I lost faith, the constant pain changed my personality from sweet and kind to angry, bitter, resentful and hateful. I tried to commit suicide by overdose many times, and obviously failed, many times. However, in my attempts at escape, I caused myself permanent brain damage, my internal organs were on the verge of failing many times. I had teams of specialists trying to save my life as I tried desperately to end it. It was hell.
And then something changed.
After my second nerve block surgery, after it failed, just like the one before that had failed. My husband, not wanting yet another suicide attempt, took me to a hospital, where for a week, they ran every test they could possibly run. What they found was that I didn't have MS, I had 11 brain lesions, how the hell do I not have MS with that many? Turns out, they were in the wrong spots. I also didn't have Fibromialgia. How the hell do I feel like my body is plugged into an electrical outlet and I'm getting shocks that turn my limbs so tight, I look and feel like a parapalegic. I didn't have Epilepsy. How the hell did I have so many absent seizures? They had to haul me to the ER every. single. time. pump by body with Vallium and anti psychotic meds to get me to come out of them.
What I got rediagnosed with is Conversion Disorder. Never heard of it? Neither had I. Let me repeat something that the diagnosing doctor told me, "It feels like you're all alone in a room, the room is pitch black and suddenly something brushes you, over and over again, until it's not a brush, it's a hit, suddenly you're being attacked, hit from all sides, you KNOW there must be many things that are hurting you, then the hits turn to stabs, bombs and bullets, you're down, you're bleeding, you're on the verge of death. You wonder if these creatures are going to eat you alive or wait until you're dead before they feast. Now, let me do something, I am going to turn on the light. (she makes the gesture of turning on the light fixture). Now you see that you're in a white room. No beasts, no monsters, it's just you, and a mirror. To your horror, you've been doing this to yourself. not on purpose. That's what Conversion Disorder is. It's a mimicker. It mimics other diseases, you have real pain, you have real symptoms but not the actual diseases. Every time you have the slightest bit of stress, and especially anxiety your brain can't deal with it, it can't process it, it's overloaded. So what it does is instead of dealing with it, it turns it, it converts it to physical pain because you still can process that."
That's when the game and rules changed completely.
I still got sent to a psyche ward, I still had to go to a suicide prevention facility.
But here's the cool part.
I finally got the real help I needed.
I see a Psychotherapist, a Psychiatrist, two Psychologists, one is my regular weekly therapist who specializes in PTSD and severe trauma (which I certainly have) and the second presided over Intensive Outpatient Therapy which was three times a week for a total of 12 hours per week. After that I went through a six month course called Dialectic Behavior Therapy which teaches skills such as Emotion Regulation, Anger Management, Mindfulness both to your physical state and emotional state, Distress Tolerance that gets you through crises, and Intrapersonal Effectiveness so that you can communicate clearly what your needs are and how to help people around you to understand what's going on and vice versa. This has all saved my life.
Granted Depression is still a bitch. It's a struggle. But I've learned I can get through it. A lot has happened even since then and things that normally would have put me into a tail spin, spiraling out of control, but with all this, I've managed, which is a miracle in itself.
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Hope
4 min read
Wow it's been forever since I updated this, I'm sorry.
So here is how it works.
They withdraw massive amounts of blood, process the blood and take out the stem cells, this is no longer considered blood but a blood fraction, I mean it's a CELL at this point.
So anyway they culture my stem cells until they have enough.
In the mean time, I am put into an isolation chamber, a bubble room, where everything has to be steril, the air is filtered constantly, all my doctors and nurses have to wear those special suites just to enter my room to give me food,(which has to be sterilized so eew, no flavor lol.
So while in isolation, I have to have chemo therapy, it will completely destroy my immune system, and to be honest, I don't have much of one to begin with, because of YEARS of taking steroids and having remicade treatments, the common cold takes me out for 2-4 weeks, it takes over a month for a freaking little bruise to heal. my ability to heal myself is literally retarded, that's what those medicines did.
And the sad part is my MS is getting worse, so much worse at an accellerated rate that it's terrifying. I go to sleep every night praying that when I wake up I can get out of bed. because my MS attacks often happen at night, I wake up to excruciating pain. my right leg is bound up and it takes HOURS to work it and streach it just so I can walk on it, and even then I have a bad limp. I'm using a walker now on my bad days. I just turned thirty this year, I'm not supposed to be this way. I have a three year old who is very active and it kills me that I can't keep up with her, there have been days when I am walking, have an attack and fall, the last thing I want is to fall on Hayden. What if I have an attack WHILE DRIVING? I COULD KILL MYSELF AND MY DAUGHTER. So what has this done to me? I live in fear, I'm practically house bound. I only venture out if I absolutely have to and it can't wait and I'm a nervous wreck the whole time. I can't keep living like this.
So here is the good news, those stem cells that they harvested from me? They culture them, grow them into millions, billions probably and then inject them back into me.
What this does is MY BODY REBUILDS IT'S OWN IMMUNE SYSTEM. AND NOT ONLY THAT IT REPAIRS MOST IF NOT ALL DAMAGE DONE BY AUTO IMMUNE DISORDERS, OF WHICH I HAVE TWO. THERE IS A CHANCE I COULD BE CURED.
But here is the catch. I'm a stay at home mom, money is super tight. What do I do with my daughter if I get the chance to get this treatment? How much will it cost to get me there, because it's a trial, I don't have to pay for it, but I do have to have a referral from my neorologist, I see him September first. PRAY FOR ME, PRAY THAT HE CAN REFER ME TO THIS TREATMENT.
I am already in physical thereapy twice a week, but one attack and it's all undone, I have an average of 5-6 attacks a week. I have streatches and excersizes to do to help cope but it's not enough. I need a miracle. Please, pray for me. I am going to try to get a fund me thing going and I'll update then if I get the referral.
Anyway, I have FANTASTIC NEWS
So the University of Chicago Hospital is running trials that could potentially CURE MS.So here is how it works.
They withdraw massive amounts of blood, process the blood and take out the stem cells, this is no longer considered blood but a blood fraction, I mean it's a CELL at this point.
So anyway they culture my stem cells until they have enough.
In the mean time, I am put into an isolation chamber, a bubble room, where everything has to be steril, the air is filtered constantly, all my doctors and nurses have to wear those special suites just to enter my room to give me food,(which has to be sterilized so eew, no flavor lol.
So while in isolation, I have to have chemo therapy, it will completely destroy my immune system, and to be honest, I don't have much of one to begin with, because of YEARS of taking steroids and having remicade treatments, the common cold takes me out for 2-4 weeks, it takes over a month for a freaking little bruise to heal. my ability to heal myself is literally retarded, that's what those medicines did.
And the sad part is my MS is getting worse, so much worse at an accellerated rate that it's terrifying. I go to sleep every night praying that when I wake up I can get out of bed. because my MS attacks often happen at night, I wake up to excruciating pain. my right leg is bound up and it takes HOURS to work it and streach it just so I can walk on it, and even then I have a bad limp. I'm using a walker now on my bad days. I just turned thirty this year, I'm not supposed to be this way. I have a three year old who is very active and it kills me that I can't keep up with her, there have been days when I am walking, have an attack and fall, the last thing I want is to fall on Hayden. What if I have an attack WHILE DRIVING? I COULD KILL MYSELF AND MY DAUGHTER. So what has this done to me? I live in fear, I'm practically house bound. I only venture out if I absolutely have to and it can't wait and I'm a nervous wreck the whole time. I can't keep living like this.
So here is the good news, those stem cells that they harvested from me? They culture them, grow them into millions, billions probably and then inject them back into me.
What this does is MY BODY REBUILDS IT'S OWN IMMUNE SYSTEM. AND NOT ONLY THAT IT REPAIRS MOST IF NOT ALL DAMAGE DONE BY AUTO IMMUNE DISORDERS, OF WHICH I HAVE TWO. THERE IS A CHANCE I COULD BE CURED.
But here is the catch. I'm a stay at home mom, money is super tight. What do I do with my daughter if I get the chance to get this treatment? How much will it cost to get me there, because it's a trial, I don't have to pay for it, but I do have to have a referral from my neorologist, I see him September first. PRAY FOR ME, PRAY THAT HE CAN REFER ME TO THIS TREATMENT.
I am already in physical thereapy twice a week, but one attack and it's all undone, I have an average of 5-6 attacks a week. I have streatches and excersizes to do to help cope but it's not enough. I need a miracle. Please, pray for me. I am going to try to get a fund me thing going and I'll update then if I get the referral.
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WLTW ends
1 min read
Wow it's been six months since I've had a journal, yikes.
So I just uploaded the LAST CHAPTER (officially) of We Love The Water, considering Alaburn and I started that story A YEAR AGO. It's been a long time coming. I'm sad to see it end, it's been a blast but I'm proud of it at the same time.
So, what's on the horizen for me?
Well, after I get my health sorted, (cause my MS and Crohn's are back) I do have a few stories I want to work on. I have a Pacific Rim drabble I want to work on, an Inception fic I started a year and a half ago that I really want to finish because I think it's a really interesting twist on it. Um..there's a tahnorra week coming up that I'm seriously considering doing. And I have two more drabbles to add to the wltw verse, Korra picking out her wedding dress and the actual wedding. So I have a few things on my plate.
So...that's about all that's going on. lol.
So I just uploaded the LAST CHAPTER (officially) of We Love The Water, considering Alaburn and I started that story A YEAR AGO. It's been a long time coming. I'm sad to see it end, it's been a blast but I'm proud of it at the same time.
So, what's on the horizen for me?
Well, after I get my health sorted, (cause my MS and Crohn's are back) I do have a few stories I want to work on. I have a Pacific Rim drabble I want to work on, an Inception fic I started a year and a half ago that I really want to finish because I think it's a really interesting twist on it. Um..there's a tahnorra week coming up that I'm seriously considering doing. And I have two more drabbles to add to the wltw verse, Korra picking out her wedding dress and the actual wedding. So I have a few things on my plate.
So...that's about all that's going on. lol.
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Boleska
2 min read
So...wow, this branch of the LoK fandom has completely surprised me. And let me just say, if it wasn't for Jessi17. I wouldn't be a Boleska fan, at all. But she converted me with her art. And I haven't gotten this warm of a welcome in a long time, I love and appreciate all of your faves and especially your comments. And please understand, all of these drabbles is coming from a viewpoint of where I hope the relationship will go and how I HOPE Eska will turn out.
In other news-
WLTW- next chapter shoud be betaed and posted soon, within a week or less, hopefully MUCH LESS.
Evenly Matched- this is a Tahnorra gift/art exchange that takes place in October. I actually wrote mine just days after recieving the assignment because I am a rather fast writer. You get me on a good day with good inspiration, I have no problems getting 8k-10k+ words. It's just the way I roll. lol So now I just have to work on it with my beta and make it perfectly heartwrenching.
Bosha- I actually have 3 WIP but they won't get much attention till after Evenly Matched. I'm sorry.
Commissions- I commissioned two artists to do WLTW art because they are stuggling college students who happen to art beautifully and it was a pleasure working with them and helping them out.
And lastly Boleska, this actually depends on the fanart since so far, ALL of my drabbles have been inspired by fanart, however there are some plot bunnies hopping around so who knows what will happen next 
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