Dear lord it's been a year.
Gosh, a lot has happened.
So let's just briefly go over what's gone on in the last year. Last September I was diagnosed with Epilepsy. Last November I was diagnosed with Fibromialgia. both of these came on top of my MS and Crohn's Disease diagnoses. I was one sick chick. And from September to January of last year, I was so bad, I was in a wheelchair. I couldn't walk, I couldn't care for myself. My parents dropped everything to move in with me to care for me and my daughter who at the time had just turned three. It was horrible, I lost hope, I lost faith, the constant pain changed my personality from sweet and kind to angry, bitter, resentful and hateful. I tried to commit suicide by overdose many times, and obviously failed, many times. However, in my attempts at escape, I caused myself permanent brain damage, my internal organs were on the verge of failing many times. I had teams of specialists trying to save my life as I tried desperately to end it. It was hell.
And then something changed.
After my second nerve block surgery, after it failed, just like the one before that had failed. My husband, not wanting yet another suicide attempt, took me to a hospital, where for a week, they ran every test they could possibly run. What they found was that I didn't have MS, I had 11 brain lesions, how the hell do I not have MS with that many? Turns out, they were in the wrong spots. I also didn't have Fibromialgia. How the hell do I feel like my body is plugged into an electrical outlet and I'm getting shocks that turn my limbs so tight, I look and feel like a parapalegic. I didn't have Epilepsy. How the hell did I have so many absent seizures? They had to haul me to the ER every. single. time. pump by body with Vallium and anti psychotic meds to get me to come out of them.
What I got rediagnosed with is Conversion Disorder. Never heard of it? Neither had I. Let me repeat something that the diagnosing doctor told me, "It feels like you're all alone in a room, the room is pitch black and suddenly something brushes you, over and over again, until it's not a brush, it's a hit, suddenly you're being attacked, hit from all sides, you KNOW there must be many things that are hurting you, then the hits turn to stabs, bombs and bullets, you're down, you're bleeding, you're on the verge of death. You wonder if these creatures are going to eat you alive or wait until you're dead before they feast. Now, let me do something, I am going to turn on the light. (she makes the gesture of turning on the light fixture). Now you see that you're in a white room. No beasts, no monsters, it's just you, and a mirror. To your horror, you've been doing this to yourself. not on purpose. That's what Conversion Disorder is. It's a mimicker. It mimics other diseases, you have real pain, you have real symptoms but not the actual diseases. Every time you have the slightest bit of stress, and especially anxiety your brain can't deal with it, it can't process it, it's overloaded. So what it does is instead of dealing with it, it turns it, it converts it to physical pain because you still can process that."
That's when the game and rules changed completely.
I still got sent to a psyche ward, I still had to go to a suicide prevention facility.
But here's the cool part.
I finally got the real help I needed.
I see a Psychotherapist, a Psychiatrist, two Psychologists, one is my regular weekly therapist who specializes in PTSD and severe trauma (which I certainly have) and the second presided over Intensive Outpatient Therapy which was three times a week for a total of 12 hours per week. After that I went through a six month course called Dialectic Behavior Therapy which teaches skills such as Emotion Regulation, Anger Management, Mindfulness both to your physical state and emotional state, Distress Tolerance that gets you through crises, and Intrapersonal Effectiveness so that you can communicate clearly what your needs are and how to help people around you to understand what's going on and vice versa. This has all saved my life.
Granted Depression is still a bitch. It's a struggle. But I've learned I can get through it. A lot has happened even since then and things that normally would have put me into a tail spin, spiraling out of control, but with all this, I've managed, which is a miracle in itself.